Friday, November 18, 2016

90 Day Fiance: Estupido Americano!

You guys, I'm so into this show.  I don't even call it a guilty pleasure anymore.  It's a straight up pleasure.  I've even fallen down the past season rabbit holes of Danielle and Mo and Melanie and Devar.  Thank you, TLC, for giving me this glorious trainwreck of a show in an election year! 

Mark was in Minneapolis the first half of the week.  Which sucked.  Except that I was able to lay in bed with my wine and cheese and catch up on my reality TV.  Ahhhhh.

Here we go . . .

** SPOILERS if you're not caught up **

Chantel and Pedro

I was over them until Pedro called his mother and she referred to Chantel's parents as "estupido Americano!"  You tell them madre de Pedro! 

Every time I saw them on the screen I wanted to yell, "Run Pedro!"  Chantel is such an immature brat and maybe, at 24, you think the sex is good enough that it's worth putting up with that but, eh, it's not.  RUN PEDRO!

By now we know that Pedro did not, in fact, run and these two were hitched on their last episode. Of course, not before printing a pre-nup off the internet to appease Chantel's parents.  Because, obviously, a fill-in-the-blank print out from the world wide web is totes worth the paper it's printed on.  Not much to say about the wedding.  We all knew her family was going to show up the whole time.  Chantel's dress was too tight.  Why did the bishop have an iPad?  What happened to a good old fashioned Bible?  Oh, and Kid and Play River?  Get over yourself.

These two actually do seem to love each other (or is it, as Chantel's dad said, puppy love?) and, who knows, maybe it'll all work out after they grow up a little.  One thing is for sure: they'll make some beautiful babies.

Matt and Alla

Well.  Now we officially all know why Matt has been married and divorced three times.  It has little to do with him being a doofus (even a doofus can be lovable!) and much more to do with the fact that his friends and family are horrible, horrible people.  Let's do a break down of the people in Mark's life:

Patrick - What an absolute awful, horrible, miserable person.  Not only does he force a meth-head day girl stripper on his "best friend" (who was cringing away in horror the entire time) but he goes out of the way to insult his "best friend's" fiancé.  He grills Alla about things that are, frankly, none of his business.  If he's upset that Matt is on marriage #4 then he needs to take that up with MATT and not ALLA.  Not only that but he's not sure he won't object at their wedding?  Say whaaaa?  Is this guy in love with Matt or what?

Other friends and brothers - While not as vile as Patrick, they're sleazy and gross for participating in the bachelor party that Matt clearly wanted no part of.

Merry Ann - This woman comes across as a unicorn, a coddler of her son, and Matt's biggest fan.  But who else thinks the previous wives probably all met an untimely demise that also happened to coincide with bumper damage on Merry Ann's car?

Poor Alla.  She has admitted that she doesn't love Matt.  Which seems heinous and unforgivable to those of us in the western world.  But it's actually pretty common in eastern Europe, that a marriage begins out of mutual respect and affection and love develops over time.  The problem with this, though, is that Matt desperately wants love and Alla can't give that to him now.  Not to mention, settling down with him means putting up with his asshole friends and the very real possibility of finding herself chained to the radiator in Merry Ann's basement.  They did seem very, very happy at their rehearsal dinner.

This couple will wed and I think they'll probably make it the long haul, as long as Alla can survive his family.

Nicole and Azan - So.  These two have spent a grand total of five weeks together.  They decide to get engaged and immediately after get into another fight.  YOU GUYS, THIS RELATIONSHIP WILL TOTALLY WORK OUT!  I mean, they have zero in common, a major culture clash, and will never agree on religion.  I hear wedding bells!  *Eye Roll*

They're almost too stupid to comment on.  I know a lot of it us due to TLC editing but it's interesting that when Nicole told her family about her trip she didn't mention a camel ride through the Sahara or being proposed to under the desert stars.  No.  Only that Azan would tell her to "STFU" (something we never heard on the show.)  She also failed to mention how she shoved him against a van, demanded he show her affection in public, and provoked an argument with him over why she (a non-Muslim!) couldn't go into a mosque. 

Yeah, this is totally gonna work out.  Nods head.

MAJOR, MAJOR props to Nicole's mom for refusing to be a co-sponsor for Azan's K1 visa.  Though I do fear the ultimate Estupido Americano (that's you, Nicole) will use her daughter as a pawn in order to force her mother into the sponsorship.

Final prediction: These two never see each other again.  Azan will decide Canada looks much more appealing when it comes to Green Card wrangling and Nicole never leaves the trailer park.

Narkiya and Lowo - Narkiya is so stupid that it physically pains me.  Also physically painful?  Their, um, "affection" at the airport in Vietnam.

She's actually so stupid that I'm just bored with them.  She obviously wants to get married so bad that she's over looked these humongous, gigantic red flags that are literally right in front of her face.  Let's see . . .

- He lied to her about where he was living
- He lied to her and told her that his babymama was DEAD
- He repeatedly used the term "babymama"
- He "lost his phone" when he went to his visa appointment
- He needed her to push the wedding back
- He actually SAID he was pursuing women for a green card.  (But, naturally, happened to fall head over heels for Narkiya)
- She didn't trust him to the point that she took time off work - unpaid - to follow him to Vietnam and make sure he was telling her the truth. (Even a broken clock is right twice a day)
- He told her she couldn't question him and that a Nigerian woman wouldn't do that.

But the kicker, for her, is that he was trying to rekindle things with his "babymama" at the same time he started talking to her.  I mean, she smashed an ice cream in his face at that revelation and I'm just over here like . . . what?  Most adults date around before their exclusive with someone.  And, honey, this is an internet relationship that began when the man TOLD YOU HE WAS A NIGERIAN PRINCE.  I have some ocean front property to sell this broad . . .

Narkiya is stupid enough that these two might just end up actually get hitched.  I kinda doubt it but who knows.

Jorge and Anfisa - Tell me one person who is stupider than Narkiya.  Just one.  Jorge?  Got that right.

Anfisa is up front with Jorge that she's with him for this money and when he tries to act like a wounded puppy dog, she turns it on him with a "well, you wouldn't be with me if I was fat and ugly."  Touche, Anfisa, touche.  She's right but that's only part of his stupidity.

The woman made him sleep in his car, pings his phone just to annoy him (CHANGE YOUR DAMN PASSWORDS, JORGE!), ruins a business transaction for him, repeatedly picks arguments, and KEYS HIS DAMN CAR.  And then she's able to make it all better by "going through the trouble" to make reservations at a restaurant wherein she doesn't even really apologizes but just lets Jorge know she'll keep putting out until she's been with him long enough to ride the alimony pony away with her green card. 

I can't wait to see the faces of Lourdes and the other sisters when they realize their brother is actually marrying this trainwreck.

So, yeah, I think they'll get married.  Also, I'm off to pitch my idea about "murderous mail order brides" to the ID channel . . .

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